Archive for January, 2008

PLUH-EEEZE!!

January 29, 2008

Yup, you guessed it…once again 4 FREAKIN AM!!! WTF??  I’m thinking it is not anxiety related.  I mean yes I have a lot on my plate right now…and yes I am constantly running through my head the 15 MILLION things that need to be done like yesterday..but really…I have no problems falling asleep…so I don’t think that is what is waking me up so early.  I am thinking it is new medication that I am on.  The past 2 nights I’ve taken it fairly late in the evening, so tonight..I will just not take it and see what time the ole’ body alarm wakes me tomorrow morning. 

All you Wii owners out there…you need to get THRILLVILLE!! It is loads of fun!!  I totally lost track of time and ended up playing for like 2 hours last night.   Go check it out…..click here!  Enjoy!

Monday’s

January 28, 2008

  Gotta love Monday’s right?  Yeah I’m loving life right now…haha not really!  For some odd reason..it’s 4:55AM (that’s in the MORNING PEOPLE) and I’ve been wide awake since 4:15AM!!  I tried to go back to sleep…really it was more of a frustration to attempt to make myself sleep.  So I just got up..made coffee and put the news on and now I’m typing.  Why in god’s name am I up this early??  I usually get up around 5:15/5:30…ok some mornings it’s 6am..but still..4:15!! Really!   Since I’m up so darn early I think I’m going to attempt to get to work 1 hour early.  I have so much to catch up on since I only made it into work 14 hours last week.   One of my teachers quit on me…which means I need to pick up those classes.  And guess what?  I brought nothing home to prepare!! NOTHING!  I will be totally winging it today…and probably until we get a new teacher..which could be MONTHS.  SHould be fun.  I think this may be one of the  reasons for my early morning  awakeness! 

On an exciting note…I got 2 new Wii games!  They came recommended by my addicted Wii AUnt! lol!!  I’m excited to play them tonight!  On Saturday night, the BF and I babysat his nieces & nephews, I brought my wii over.  They absolutely loved it.   Played it all night.  They went to bed at 9 and the bf and I continued to play it until 12:30am, when his sister and brother-in-law came home.  We had fun.  I’m glad I finally got him to play it..cuz now..I think deep down he loves it and enjoys playing.

News from the couch……

January 24, 2008

Weird title huh? 

Well it certainly suits me this week.  As I have been on the couch pretty much all damn week.  I found out on MOnday (at my dr. apt. I have a sinus infection) big deal right? Well it at least explained why I had face pain/headaches and well why my entire head region was achy all darn weekend.  So the doc put me on antibiotics.  Tuesday, I wake up, thinking I’m feeling very good.  Get up to go shower and almost fall over..dizzy, sore throat, and ear aches.  Guess what? I didn’t go to work.  I slept all day.  The bf brought me some lunch stayed for a bit and left.  Wednesday, wake up…take a shower…yeah I’m still dizzy but decided maybe I just need to get moving. I felt I really didn’t have much choice in going to work or not.  We were down 3 teachers.  2 of them were in training and 1 wasn’t going to be there until the afternoon.  So that would have left 1 teacher there to teach 2 different groups for 4 hours by herself.  So not fair to her.  So I go in…yup still felt like shit..but as a supervisor now..it was my responsibility to show up.  I lasted until 1pm.  THen decided, screw this…school will still go on with or without me…so I left.  Spent the rest of the day on the couch sleeping on and off.  Today, yup, home once again!  I don’t know why I can’t shake this.  My face isn’t as painful, but now it’s my ears and my throat.  Plus I just feel ugh.  If that makes sense.  I feel very groggy, and so not like myself..I just feel icky. 

So that my friends is why I have not written in a couple days.  I have not even been on the computer much..I just haven’t had the energy. 

Life Sucks..

January 17, 2008

I am completely stressed out right now!!  Work, the bf situation honestly too much.   I’m a smuck and for whatever reason am chickening out and can not discuss how I’m feeling with the bf…so yup…cried myself to sleep…oh yeah he was here too…in the living room..so he had no idea.   Work…ugh work…really…I don’t want to go right now…my employees..oh yeha did I tell you I just had 1 give a 2 week notice…GREAT just frEAKING GREAT!!  Now who do you suppose has to pick up that job??  Yeah fucking me!! uuuuuggggggghhhhhh!

Where Can We Go??

January 16, 2008

Ok so in February I have a weeks vacation and so does one of my friends.  We haven’t really seen to much of eachother in the past year so we were thinking..hey why not take a little vaca together?  So here’s our dilema…we are trying to find some place somewhat cheap…somewhere that is somewhat WARM ..dear god I’m sick of the cold.  Possibly within driving distance…even like 12 hours I’m considering driving distance..I know crazy…or even plane if it is cheap enough.  We were thinking a 3 or 4 days cruise..but dear god…expensive…so yeah we are looking but slowly running out of ideas…anyone out there have any???  

What fun!

January 15, 2008

You know I think the most challenging part of this whole blogging thing is coming up with a damn title!  Mine are never eye catching like some others I’ve read..but ya know what..WHATEVER! 

SO anyway, you’ve all read Kellie’s post from the weekend.  We had fun.  It was nice to be away and just do whatever we wanted when we wanted.   They (Angie & Kellie) didn’t have to worry about kids so I’m sure it was nice for them.  I think they are hooked on the “Wii”.  We played for hours..I seriously think it was 4 hours or something crazy like that. We bowled, played tennis and they both kicked my butt in bowling, and I made a comeback in tennis! haha So we are even!  Kellie’s favorite is baseball…….haha she’s good…kept striking me out!  Then I bought a new game…Wii Playground.  I actually was on a hunt for guitar hero but could not find it so I bought the Wii Playground.  It is fun!! It has paper airplanes (which your thinking waahoo big deal…but really it is fun), slot cars,  wall ball (totally kicks your butt), tetherball..which is also tons of fun…hmm dart shooting or something like that..and  I think there is 1 more game but I can’t think of it.  Anyway if you have a Wii..this game is fun!!  You have my word! 

We have decided, we are going to have a girlie weekend (or at least try to) one every two months.  It was also decided it was going to be at my house..haha.  Does anyone know why???  I have no kids..haha this way they will be able to enjoy themselves too!!

HELP!!!

January 13, 2008

I’ve put my shoes on and changed out of my pj’s 2 times this evening and quite frankly..I’m about to do it again!  Why you ask?? UUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH cuz I’m feeening (sp??)  I so want a cigarette right now.  Like bad.  I made the mistake..and yes I take full 120% responsibility for it, for smoking this weekend.  I thought if I didn’t buy my own pack then I would be set and have the will power not too….but I did not.  QUite frankly I didn’t want to have will power this week.  I wanted to smoke.  So I just was a loser and bummed them from my dear friend.  Yes I gave her money for a new pack…cuz really I smoked way more  than I should have and she was nice enough to share them.   I was fine until about 1 1/2 hours ago.  Then it just hit me.  I’ve held out.  Once I’m partially clothed..I say what the hell are you doing…and change back to my pj’s.  So that is a good thing..but really…I’m fighting myself as we speak!  I know I can do it..I just went over a week without the craving, the feening (sp?) nothing..I was fine..

The reason I think I’m like this. Well over the weekend..Kellie and I really had a heart to heart…by the way..Kellie I can’t thank you enough for listening to me bitch and complain….well she mentioned or asked if I had written my feelings down? or thought about writing a letter?  I had thought about it but never did it.  Funny because at work this is one of the first things I mention to my kids on how to deal with their feelings.  Well tonight I just felt like writing.  SO I sort of just sat and wrote, paying attention to nothing else.  I cried writing parts of it..I’m a dork like that.  I kinda want to post what I wrote..just to post it..but really I don’t think I will.  I’m not sure why..maybe because it makes me feel vulnerable..people will really know how I feel…and that I’m not sure needs to be known.  As my kids say… it would “put me out there” and at this point…that is not what I need.  So with that being said…that is why I need and want a cigarette.  I need it for the comfort for the normalcy…and really I just need it because it is what I’m used to doing when I’m upset. But I will continue the fight…and NOT GIVE IN!!

*** On a happier note:  My mom’s last day of radiation was friday!! SHE IS DONE! She HAS COMPLETED the radiation!! YEAH!! She is celebrating this weekend..well ok she’s not..she is sicker than a dog..as in she has a really really bad cold sick..but she is still really happy it’s all hopefully behind her forever!!!!!!!!!! ***

I will write more tomorrow on our girlie weekend!! We had fun and caught up a lot!! hehe and lets just say some of us ( I say us…but there was only 3 people there.) left feeling VERY,VERY sore and hurting!! hehehe…

One of those days…Just Plain BAD!!

January 8, 2008

Ever wake up feeling miserable, tired, cranky, sad and feel like crying all damn day??  Guess what?? that was totally me today!! I should have known something was up when I attempted to go to bed last night.  Hmm yeah didn’t  happen..couldn’t fall asleep for the life of me.  I kept tossing and turning..wide f’ing awake…funny I was tired when I went to bed..not sure what changed.  Oh yeah I am..I was THINKING..dear god..I hate it when I start thinking!!  Keeps me WIDE awake and feeling very anxious. 

Right now, work is crazy stressful due to my lovely employees who work for me, and well my personal life right now is also very stressful.  Lately, I’ve been questioning a lot of things between the bf and myself.  I’m not getting into it all now..but lets just say..I really have no idea where we are going in the future or if we even have one and it breaks my heart just thinking about it.  I’m sure compared to most issues in life this is minor to most.  I however, am not thinking it’s minor.  TO me it’s very serious and very real and I’m feeling every ounce of saddness and pain that goes along with it.  

I really have no idea why I’m so emotional today….I mean I literally woke up from the zero sleep I got and was a weeping mess.   I’m not looking for sympathy I just need to vent.  I mean I honestly would think I was severly depressed if I didn’t have so much going on in my life right now.  I took a shower…in the shower..crying…blow drying my hair..crying…ironing my clothes…crying..getting dressed..crying…I mean it was NEVER Ending…I think everything just hit me all at once and I was like on emotion overload.  Once I got to work…granted my eyes swollen, puffy, and red..why you ask?? yup you got it..crying on the way to work…I then kept myself busy…extremely busy.  I tried not to deal with my employees..only what I absolutely had too, and just kept to myself and kept busy.   Tried to keep focus…made a to do list and just checked off as something got done.  It worked for the most part…at least stopped me from breaking into tears at a moments notice.  Thank god for that! 

Well here’s praying I can get some sleep tonight and here’s to a better day tomorrow!!  Ever wish you can just BLINK and everything will be OK?? That my friends is my wish as we speak!!  Will it ever come true..hmm probably not…but one can hope right?

Smokin’

January 4, 2008

Well most of you know, I’m trying desperately to quit smoking.  For the most part it’s going ok, not perfect but much better than I thought it would.  In the past when I said I would quit, I lasted hmm maybe 2.2 seconds. Absolutely no will power involved and really no wanting to quit.  This time is a little different.  I really truly WANT to quit, and I have a reason to quit.  That reason?? My mom.  Since finding out she has breast cancer, it HIT me really really HARD.  I always thought of those diseases as other peoples diseases, if you know what I mean.  The kind that would NEVER effect anyone close to me.  It was like a ton of bricks feel on me when I found out.  To this day I still have my moments, when I want to just sit and cry, even though she is doing great.  This is now something she and I will worry about for the rest of our lives. Will it ever come back?  Will I now be effected?  So this my friends is the reason I’m wanting to quit. 

 Since  the first part of  November, I have stopped smoking in my apartment. Really, that is a HUGE step and accomplishment on my part.  At night is when I did most of my smoking, mostly out of boredom.  Let me tell you, I used to be worried someone unexpectedly would stop by, someone who didn’t know I smoked. You see I was a closet smoker.  Most of my friends knew I smoked, but some did not.  My parents do not know, even though I’m sure they have their suspicions.  I did not smoke at work, in public (because I might have known someone) my brother and sister-in-law did not know.  Some of my relatives know and others do not.  Really it has been a secret, a secret I’m sick of hiding.  It was nothing for me to carry a million packs of gum, hand sanitizers, and smelly lotion every where I went to cover up the smell.  Ask Kellie, when we lived closer, she would spray me down with Febreeze before I went home, I still have a friend  to this day who still does when I go visit her.  I was always afraid my parents would smell it.  I would ride home with my windows WIDE OPEN (it didn’t matter the temp outside) hoping to get the smell off me.  So you see, I was bad.  I did everything in my power to make sure people did not know whom I didn’t want to know.  Sad? that at my age I’m doing stupid crap like this? Absolutely.  Now, in the past 2 weeks I’ve had 3 cig.  TO me that is great…I had one tonight and quite honestly it tasted like crap.  Why I ask my friend for one I do not know.  I wasn’t craving it, I guess I knew I could have one so I took it.  I’m kinda disappointed in myself, because up until Wed.  I was almost 2 weeks without one, and I ruined it.  Ruined it not because I absolutely HAD to have one or even for that matter craved one, but ruined just because of no real good reason.  Whatever, I am over it and know I’m not going to be perfect and trying not to beat myself up.  Now here’s the part that is totally totally PISSING ME OFF!!!  Instead of being supportive the BF is being a complete pain in the ass.  He feels that everytime I smoke and don’t tell him I’m hiding it from him.  Quite frankly, I truly and not!  I honestly just don’t think to make a point of saying, hey guess what I smoked today.   I am not hiding it because really I have no problems telling people I caved and smoked.  The issue is I don’t think of it.  I smoke.I beat myself up over it.Move on.try harder.  It has never been me to run around telling ANYONE my every friggin step.  I know it seems minor to most people but to me honestly it’s a HUGE issue and one I’m about sick of.  This is about me and an addiction that I’m trying my hardest to quit.  And from the one person I could really use the support from I’m not getting it.  Like I said to him, I never hear from him, “Oh I’m so proud you’ve gone (blank number of days) without smoking, thats awesome.”  Instead it’s, “Oh your not trying hard enough, it’s a habit for you not an addiction and you will find any excuse to smoke.” Truthfully I’m sick of it.  He can not tell me what is a habit of mine or an addiction.  I know he absolutely HATES SMOKING and when I met him, I was very up front with him.  I never lied about smoking NEVER!   And NEVER smoked in front of him.  When he was here,  I never smoked in my own house, if I absolutely had to have one, even if it was raining, snowing, whatever out instead of smoking in MY HOUSE, I would go outside to be what I thought was respectful.  I know he didn’t like it so I wasn’t going to expose him to it.   It pisses me off why he can’t be supportive.  SO tonight I had to go to a wake, a friends mother passed away.  We were walking back to our cars and my friend pulled out a cig and lite it, so I said can I have one.  I smoked…yes it’s bad, yes I’m kicking myself, but it’s MY PROBLEM.  I called the BF and said just so you know I had a cig.  his response, “I figured you would, you had an excuse to.”  he goes on to say, “any excuse you can use to smoke, your going to use it.”  Hmm now  how is that is f’ing supportive?  I seriously was ready to blow it.  UGH really I could go on and on right now but I will try not  to drag this on longer than I need to ( I’m venting sorry) .  I’m just pissed, hurt, annoyed.   I mean seriously, if roles were reversed, even if I hated smoking as much as he, I would be 100% supportive, not 100% annoying.  And he questions why I don’t tell him when I smoke?  Hmm I wonder why? Who wants to listen to this shit?   It isn’t about him, it isn’t about me lying to him, if he asks if I smoked and if I did I always told him the truth, I never once LIED, NOT a ONCE!  He told me he can’t trust me because I’m not calling him and telling him when I smoke.  WHAT?? WHAT IS THAT SHIT??  IT”S NOT ABOUT HIM!! I’m starting to think no matter what the situation is, he has to turn it so it is all about him, quite frankly, things in the happy couple land aren’t 100% happy anymore and I have no Idea what to do.  Quite frankly, I love him but his being selfish on many occasions is really getting to me and I honeslty am at a loss and it’s showing more and more every day! 

Happy NEW YEAR!!

January 1, 2008

I hope you all had a safe and fantabulous New Year!! 

I have one more day off from work and my goal is to get caught up on blogs.   I have  been a TOTAL slacker on everyone..I need to get back into my routine.  I used to get up at 5am every morning and write and read blogs until about 5:45 then get up and shower.  Yes that is early but it totally worked for me.  For some reason since I found out about my mother and her illness back in October, I just can’t get caught up.  It was like I missed a week or two and BAM now it’s 3 months later.  Seems like it FLEW by…..I honestly have no clue where the last 3-4 months went.

OK again I hope you all have a HAPPY NEW YEAR and I wish you all the best in 2008!!