Archive for February, 2008

Moving on……..

February 28, 2008

Yesterday, was not a good day for me.  I have not been sleeping well at all..yesterday was NO EXCEPTION!  I think it was 4am that I woke up!  I was completely exhausted all darn day!  PLus, was very upset over this whole ex thing.  I decided to leave work early..because really I was completely useless and miserable being there and I was not getting anything accomplished.  I came home and plunked my butt on the couch.  At first, even for as tired as I was, I could not fall sleep.  Then sometime between Rachel Ray and Judge Judy, I was OUT cold!  I actually slept for a couple hours.  I think I woke up around 6pm.  I was really groggy, but I knew if I stayed sleeping I would NEVER sleep at night.  SO I got up and started puttering around the house. 

THis is when I got to thinking.  I seriously wanted to pick up the phone and call the ex.  BUt my Aunt (THANK GOD FOR HER!) talked me out of it.  I think I just wanted the last word to once and for all…give him a piece of my mind instead of always hearing his.  Most importantly I wanted to know WHY?? Why I was not important enough in his life to not CALL me?   Really? What will this all prove?  Absolutely NOTHING! If anything, if I did call him, I’m sure it would give him yet another opportunity to yell and blame me yet again for god only knows what…and really I could careless.  I’m done!  I’m done worrying about this crap.  I’m done wondering about the whys.  I’m done just plain worrying about him in general!  I deserve better…for that matter…I want better!  HE DOESN”T DESERVE ME!  He never did!   Although I feel I’ve wasted a year in a half with him, I’ve learned a lot of lessons as well.  I’ve learned what exactly I want out of a relationship and more importantly what I don’t want.  I’ve come to the realization that the relationship we had was NOT WANT I wanted..it never was! I made myself believe it is what I wanted.  I fooled myself into thinking I was happy.  At one point in the very beginning, I was actually happy.  But things slowly began changing and I put up with it, thinking it was all about compromise.  BUT a couple months ago, I slowly was coming to the realization, I was really the only one compromising.  I Compromised everything, my time, my friends, and sad to say even my family.  He compromised NOTHING!  I was always waiting around for him..because he ALWAYS made a point to be late for EVERYTHING.  That is my biggest PET PEEVE! I am always early for everything…although I realize not everyone is like me…I at least expect them to be ontime!   I always put my plans on hold to spend time with him.  He never did the same!  I blew off spending time with my family during the holidays, so I could spend time with him and his family.  He in fact couldn’t understand why I would not ask my parents to come down to my house to spend thanksgiving or christmas.  He told me…they should be the ones to travel during the holidays…they should be the ones to come visit….I mean really?  WHO says this? AND I just blew it off….I told him I would NOT ask my parents to do this…if I was married and had a family of my own….ok  a different story….but I wasn’t married and I do not have a family.  I was, whether he liked it or not, going to spend christmas day with my parents at their house…I did however, leave the day after christmas to come back home?  WHy? Because he was giving me crap about not spending christmas with him.  I gave up spending time with my OWN family…so I could spend time with him and his family.  I saw more of his family than my own that week..sad!  Just goes to show me as I’m looking back on everything, just how selffish he was. 

I have become such a negative person.  That my friends is NOT ME! I’ve worked so hard throughout my life to not be such a negative person.  When I was little, negativity was my thing.  Even to this day, my mom tells me, remember when you were younger…your famous saying was “I Can’t”.  I never believed in myself.  I never thought I deserved to be loved and did my damnest to make sure no one could.  Since moving away from my hometown, 8 years ago, I have made significant improvements.  I have realized over the years that I CAN do anything I put my mind too.  I do deserve to be loved and I DO deserve to be happy and that I DO deserve the best.  I have busted my butt to improve my self- esteem…although i’m not 100% perfect …I’m damn close! haha totally kidding!  really I am!!  I’m so not conceited!   Over the past year in a half…everything I done to improve my mind, body and soul has been slowly taken away from me, without me even realizing it.  I thought my emotions, feelings, interests, didn’t matter.  I basically did what I had to to keep him happy. Even if that meant putting my feelings, my pride, and my emotions asideand not thinking they were important.  So I’m taking it all back!  Surprisingly, it’s a little easier than I thought.   Like I’ve said in earlier posts, the minute I realized it was over…a black cloud lifted from over me.  I now see sunny and blue skies again!! 

ANyway..I’m babbling here…and got off on a tangent.  SO my whole point to this post..was although I realize I will have some down days…I’m totally moving on.  I’m done being miserable! That is not me!   I made a pact with myself last night (now lets hope I can stay true to it) that I was going to work on me!  Work on getting me back to what I once was!  Also I think the most important thing I’ve learned from all of this…is I do deserve to be happy and also deserve the best.  I’m not going to settle for just anyone…..So If you know any single men out there… I”M FREE!!! I”M FREE!!  It’s a whole new me….ok so I’m a work in progress…but give me a couple weeks!!

So this all being said..I’m hoping this will be the last time you hear about the ex, I’m now on to a bigger and a better life…….let the dating begin!! haha just kidding! 🙂

 ******  SO MY HOROSCOPE FOR FRIDAY 2/29 IS:  Still holding on to hurt feelings from your past? Today’s the day to move past them. *******  It’s a sign!  I am not one to live by my horoscopes but I do read them every day…and this one seems so fitting!!! 

Wahoo I’ve beat my record!!

February 26, 2008

So really I’m being sarcastic here!  My wake up time this morning…3 FRIGGIN 30 in the MORNING!!  I got up, went to the bathroom (haha like you all wanted to know that) and then went back and laid down in bed.  I thought I was still tired.  Oh wait..I am..I feel like I’ve been on an all night drinking binge.  The only problem..I HAVEN”T been!  My eyes…hmm yeah are slits…my head..is pounding…and my body..yup just plain tired!  BUt I simply CAN NOT SLEEP!  WTF??  REALLY….this is crazy!   DO you know there is nothing on TV at 3:30AM?  Nothing at all, of course if you wanted to watch Martha Stewart..but I..DID NOT!  

Yesterday was back to work…fun fun!  Nothing has changed..still crazy as ever!  My work? Yup did not get done over break..darnit!  I was hoping it would miraculously disappear over break…but nope still there as of yesterday!  I was HOPING the employee, I’ve been having so many issues with, would come back to work with a renewed work ethic.  I..WAS WRONG!!!  UGH…I swear…I have no idea what goes through peoples minds!  This guy is bound and determined to make my life miserable at work.  I hate confrontation..absolutely HATE IT..but he ..is making it easier for me.  I do not like that feeling.   I’m just to the point where I’m so sick of him NOT DOING HIS JOB…I’m not giving him second chances…I’m telling him once and if it does not get done..then he pays the consequences!  I hate being like that..but with him there is no other way!

We are supposed to get slammed with 10+ inches of snow between today and tomorrow.  JOY!  I’m so not looking forward to it.  THe only positive thing that can come of all this snow is I’m PRAYING we get slammed so hard..that I can not get out of my driveway tomorrow morning.  Because that is the only way I get out of going to work!  We do not get snow days…sucks!  I guess working in a public school prior to this job…I got used to that.  I know suck it up…everyone else will be at work..so I know there is no reason I shouldn’t be! 

The ex bf still has YET to call or even attempt to make any type of contact.  I haven’t heard a word from him since Friday, when HE YELLED at me.  I think this is what bothers me the most.  I know I’m done with the relationship…and even if he comes crawling back..I’m done.  But knowing that I’m not worth any amount of energy on his part to even try to contact me and make a mends..hurts.  I just don’t know how you end a year in a half relationship by just not talking!  I know I have some part in this as I am not picking up the phone either..so I guess I’m just as guilty.  But call me stubborn, niave, whatever, I DO NOT feel it is up to me.  He is the one that owes me the apology.  I have picked up the phone throughout our ENTIRE relationship and was always the one to make the effort….really, I’ve had enough …this time he needed to! I know it’s all about compromise…but really when I’m the only one doing the compromise…there comes a point where enough is enough..and this is where I am at!!  I guess I was just hoping that for ONCE in what was a relationship, he would step up to the plate and grow a set and call and that HE actually make the effort…that for ONCE he actually apologize and take ownership for his actions.  Whatever, I know it will never happen..I just need to come to terms with it!  Still, I’m annoyed!

My car repairs, that I was quoted over $1000 for. Yeah my friend can get me all the parts for my car for $120, can you believe that crap.  THe parts in need are:  right upper control arm, timing belt, belt tensioner, and a water pump for $120.  That my friends is AWESOME!  As the car place wanted $200 just for the CONTROL ARM itself!   As for the timing belt, belt tensioner and water pump, hmm yeah they wanted to charge me $500 to have this service done! CRAZY!!  What a friggin rip off!   Now granted, the problem now is finding someone who can do the work to my car.  I am in dire need of at least getting the control arm replaced like almost immediately.  As I was informed that if this goes…it will be BAD!   So thats my mission for the week…find someone to do the work and get it done..like yesterday!  Now all I need is 4 brand new tires!  I’m so not excited to drive in all this so called snow we will be getting.  My tires, while they are still legal (tread wise) they, as I was told by the car place, are JUST BARELY PASSING the legal limit.  SO this means, I slide on the slightest bit of slush!  FUn, FUN!   If any of you know any good mechanics my way…let me know!! hahah  That is my next mission, get new tires!  I’m hoping over the weekend! 

I’M SO DONE!

February 24, 2008

Well it’s over once and for all between the bf and I.  To much of the same shit and I’m not taking it anymore.  I’m not going to try anymore or invest any more energy into making it work…I mean if I’m the only one putting in the effort why bother.  I obviously am not important to him!! 

Friday was the breaking point.  The point where he yelled at me because he was wrong.  Remember I had to take my car in for repairs?  Well the estimate I got from them was over $1000.  HAHA yeah so not happening.  So I called my father (thank god for him) and said ok, what do I absolutely need to have done and what do I not.  So I walked out paying $139.  Not bad right?  Well I was driving home after my appointment, and the bf called and I was telling him about what they wanted to do to my car and all the parts they wanted to replace or do whatever to.  So he said…well how did they know to check ___ ? (I don’t remember the name of the part on the car!)   So I told him, that I told the mechanic, that when I drove my wheel shook.  So he replies, ” I told you that is a result of low airpressure in your front tire”, I said, actually it wasn’t, the mechanics checked all my tire pressures and they were fine.  SO he Then starts to GETS pissy with me…and tells me they were lying to me.  That he knows my tire was low…(now mind you…he was not concerned enough for my safety to actually “CHECK” the tire pressure he just looked at it. so he really has no idea if it was low or not..he was guessing by what it LOOKED like)  so my response to him was, why the heck would a mechanic lie to me about whether or not my tires needed pressure, it’s not like they can make money off me by lying.  So by me saying that, I (in his mind )was being defensive.  So that sent him on a rampage..(over the phone)  Started saying crap like, “why do you always get defensive with me when I’m trying to help you? You don’t act like this with your mom or your other friends so why with me? I HATE it when you pull this crap…you don’t want my help, FINE YOU WON’T F’ING GET IT ANYMORE!”  Now mind you, while he was going off, I kept my mouth shut because really…I think I was in shock he was getting pissed off at me because of TIRE PRESSURE!  I was like whatever…so then he says, I gotta go, the roads are bad. Hmm yeah ok..he was using his bluetooth..so it really didn’t matter but whatever!  And that was the last I heard from him!  I was not going to call him. He was the one that yelled at me for no reason, he should be calling me to apologize!  This was around noon on Friday.

So Saturday, still not hearing a word from him, I decide to play detective…ok so it wasn’t so secretive..but whatever.  See we met online through a dating website.  The first time around, when we were together, I kept my profile up, and that pissed him off.  So when we got back together the second time, I took my profile off.  He never did!  I mentioned it to him a couple times in the beginning about why he still had it up, but he just told me, he only went on it to delete the messages, he wasn’t on there to look. Yeah ok..I didn’t really believe him, but whatever.  I knew for a fact he wasn’t seeing anyone else so I just let it go.  Well every once in a while I would go on that site to see if he had visited.  Of course he had, but I (being a MORON) never said anything to him because I didnt want to start a arguement.  Because everything (now that I look back on it) caused us to argue.  Well on Saturday, I went on for kicks to see if he had been on the site…sure enough he was on it Friday.  I was pissed naturally, he doesn’t have time to pick up a damn phone and apologize to his girlfriend of over a year but he has time to go on and search online for a replacement.  This morning one of my friends called me to see how I was doing and to see if he had called.  Nope still hadn’t heard a thing from him.  At this point it was well over 24 hours.  So while she was on the phone, I was like hmm I wonder if he has been back on the site..so I go and look…that is when the knife officially stabbed me in the heart!  He was ONLINE at the very moment.  I completely lost it.  I guess it was one thing to see that he had looked…but then to actually catch him in the process, was a whole different ballgame!  I wanted to send him a text and ask him if he’s finding anyone of interest.   But I didn’t …I WILL NOT give him the satisfaction of knowing how badly he has hurt me.  I spent a year, almost a year in a half  with this BOY (I refuse to call him a MAN) and this is how I get treated. That is almost as bad as cheating.  In fact, to me it is cheating!   Its so over!  I’m not giving him the time or day…you wanna know the funniest part about all this.  I know that the reason he didn’t/isn’t calling is because he TRULY believes he did NOTHING wrong.  He believes it is all my fault!!  In the past, I would have called him.  I would have called him friday night, I would have mended everything over to make sure we were OK, i would have taking the blame for everything …I’ve had enough of his crap.. …I refuse absolutely REFUSE to do that EVER again or allow myself to be treated the way he treated me!

I had to go to a friend’s bday party today.  Joy..cuz we all know how much I was in the mood for a party!  Whatever, I put on the game face and was ok.  After the party one of my friends came over and he changed the lock to my house.  The bf has the keys to my house and I am not calling him to get them back.  I do not want him in here so to be on the safe side and to make me feel safer…I had them changed. 

In a way I’m kinda relieved, because he made this easier for me.  Easier to just shut him out of my life.  But naturally, I am hurting right now, hurting BAD!  I feel betrayed, I’m pissed off and I’m sad and everything else.  I know I will get over him in time, but right now time is what I need.   I know I deserve way better, but it’s hard coming to the conclusion I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t fix things and more importantly that really in  his mind I meant NOTHING to him.  He pretty much made that loud in clear…It’s hard thinking and knowing that!   I gave that boy my all, all my energy, my time, and my heart!  I shared every aspect of my life with him, and what do I get in return?  Shit on!!  I’m still friggin paying for his damn christmas gifts!    I guess what I get in return is a broken heart, and a mess of emotions to deal with and mend oh yeah and a damn credit card bill!! Lucky me!

I hate it when I think……….

February 22, 2008

I hate it when I think because ….I WAKE UP AT 4AM in the damn morning.  I’m wide awake! I HATE IT! It’s vacation. Why can’t my mind be put at ease just for a little while!  How do you shut your mind off?  Anyone, HELP!  I mean I can only force myself to stay in bed for so long.  My mind is racing this morning.  I HATE IT! 

So you wanna know what am I thinking about….

1)  What I would say to the BF if I grew big enough balls or have the energy to bring it all up and talk (or argue ..I’m        afraid)

2)  Weight watchers..I know sick..but I’m going to start following the program again…I’m kinda excited.  I have all the stuff..so I’m doing to do it on my own.  I’m not going to attend meetings.  Hell I could run my own meetings here.  I went grocery shopping for the first time in AGES (I’m serious..I absolutely hate grocery shopping…so I avoid it like the plague) I stocked up on healthy food.  Bought all weight watchers stuff.  Tons of fruit and veggies and tons of yogurt.  I’m excited to get started!

3)  Wondering if my coffee would taste like vinegar this morning.  I washed my coffee pot out last night with 12 cups of vinegar and rinsed it 5 times.  I woke up tasting a yummy cup of coffee..wondering if it would have a hint of vinegar flavor.  The answer…NO it doesn’t…THANK GOD!

4) Worried about how much my car would cost me this morning.  What can I say..they always find something unexpectedly wrong with it.  Something that has to be fixed NOW!  I’m worried I won’t be able to afford it.  My car is getting old.  I take good care of it…but I admit, I know nothing about cars.  I don’t know if something goes wrong and what has to be fixed immediately.  WHen they are explaining it to me..it all sounds good..but thats when I call my father and say..they are telling me I need…this and that..and usually he is like nope you don’t..don’t let them talk you into it.  I called him last night and told him to be on stand by..that  I will most likely be calling him this morning.   I’m praying just my oil will be changed and my tires rotated and THATS IT!  Also I’m praying I’m not there all freakin morning!!  Why is it you make appointments anyway??  They take their fricken time bringing your car in and it is NEVER at your “Appointed” time? WHY?? Do they not realize YOUR time is just as PRECIOUS as theirs?? I am the type of person that is ALWAYS early for appointments.  I don’t feel that anyone should wait for me..(not that they would) but I HATE being late anywhere…I’m always at least 10/15 minutes early for every single appointment ever!!  They show their appreciation by making me WAIT HOURS!  UUGHH….I hate them!

5)  As I was laying there, I was thinking about what my face looked liked.  I know weird.  But remember, yesterday I had my very first facial.  I did enjoy it…tremendously…BUT I did not expect the whole extraction nonsense!  I mean I don’t have a face full of zits..but it certainly felt like it when the lady was squeezing the crap out of it.  Seriously, my eyes were watering the entire time! It hurt like hell!!  My face after the fact? Hmm yeah..it was bright red and blotchy.  Thank god this morning..it isn’t bad.

6)  Thinking about my massage this afternoon.  I so need it.  My shoulders are in complete KNOTS! I’m in constant pain.  Ben Gay is my friend!!  We bond on an almost nightly basis!  I so need him in my life in order to get through most days.  Yes I smell like I’m a 100 years old.  But really I don’t care.  The pain is reduced, and I can enjoy life pain free for a couple hours.  I am splurging for the DEEP TISSUE MASSAGE!  Usually I just get the therapuetic massage..not today…I need someone to seriously beat the shit out of my back….it is ROCK hard!  I can’t seem to find a way to make this ever go away.  This is where I carry my stress…my neck and shoulders.  I’ve tried physical therapy…didn’t work.  I go to the chiropractor biweekly…and even he is in awe as to how tight my shoulders are.   I do the hot pads, cold pads, ben gay, icy hot patches, you name it..I’ve tried it…NOTHING WORKS!! HEll I’ve even tried taking motrin to help relieve the pain…and NADDA!! Some days its way more than I can bare…I’m in PAIN constantly from it.  So I’m so looking forward to hopefully getting some temporary relief!!

7)  I’m starting to stress about work- ALREADY!!  I still have 3 more days off but really it’s on my mind.  I don’t feel like dealing with the BS first thing Monday morning.  Last Friday, I spent the last 2 hours of my work day counseling a 56 year old on his professionalism and why it is NOT OK to say in front of kids he doesn’t care.  I mean seriously??  I was telling him how to teach…what to do and what not to do!!  HELLO…obviously this isn’t the career for you…so QUIT already!!  YEsterday, I spent part of my day writing up this conversation to put in his personel folder.   So Monday, I have to go over this memo with him and have him sign it.  I’m done being nice to this guy and giving him second, third and sometimes even fourth chances.  HE knows he’s doing wrong…He knows exactly what he’s doing…so my theory…BRING IT ON!!  I’m not putting up with any more crap!  He may not like the fact that I’m female and younger than him AND I”M HIS SUPERVISOR!  But you can be sure…he will respect me and HE WILL DO WHAT I SAY or else there are consequences!! WHY can’t people just do their freakin jobs? WHY??  Why work harder to avoid doing the work than just doing it?? I will NEVER understand people!!  BEing a supervisor isn’t all its cracked up to be!! It’s down right stressful! 

8 ) My Smoking…dear god I was doing so good..than all of a sudden boom, I’m back at it!  I hate that! I hate that I failed! I don’t want to smoke..but somehow, I am!  Now I’m hiding it from the bf..cuz really I don’t feel like listening to the lecture!  I am going to attempt to quit again…HELP!!  

Did I mention, I’m WIDE AWAKE??  It is now 6:44am, I gotta go get in the shower soon.  I want to be lazy, I don’t want to go spend HOURS in a car place.  That SUCKS…what a way to spend a day!  I hate being responsible! haha If I weren’t, I would say screw it!  But yeah I kinda need a reliable car to drive so I have no choice!  I don’t feel like breaking down in the middle of nowhere, with no help! 

Oh yeah my coffee is DAMN good!! 

 HAPPY FRIDAY!

I need more time…….. :(

February 21, 2008

So this week is FLYING by.  Yes I’m on vacation.  I haven’t done a ton but really to think it is already THURSDAY!! That makes me sad. I so need more time.  I still have yet to have that one day where I sit home all day and do nothing. 

On Monday, my friend and I went to the movies.  We saw Fools Gold.  IT was ok, but I so thought it would be so much better.  Yes I was a little disappointed.  Tuesday, we went to an IMAX theater and watched 2 movies.  We saw, Ocean Oasis, and The Alps!  Both were awesome, but my favorite was The Alps.  I seriously got dizzy during that one.  Oh yeah and I got a freakin $25 parking ticket.  Pissed me off, I was only 15 minutes over the 2 hour limit.  Grrrr…whatever…I was wrong so I guess I need to pay up.  Jerks. 

Yesterday, I just went to the BF house and pretended like I was helping him do something.  Really I was bored out of my mind.  But I tried not ot let on…I mean really what the hell do I know about remodeling a house.  He is in the process of rewiring, hmm trust me He really doesn’t want me to help.  So I basically stood there and watch him and his father.  Fun FUN!!  Thank god I don’t do that everyday.  I could have used yesterday as my day to sit home and do nothing. Oh well…

Today, the bf and I are having lunch, then I have a FACIAL appointment at 3:45!! YEAH! I’m so excited!!  I’ve never had one done before.  I’m hoping it is relaxing.  Tomorrow, I have to bring my car in for some work 😦  I definitely need an oil change and my tires rotated.  I’m hoping it doesn’t need anything else.  It’s making weird noises and it shakes terribly when I drive over a certain speed limit.  So god only knows what those could be!  Hopefully cheap fixes, but I know better, car repairs are NEVER cheap!!   Then, ready for this??  At 3pm, aawww I’m getting a 60 minute massage!! I’m so freakin excited I can not even tell you!! I so desperately need one!!  My shoulders are screaming with excitment!!

 Anyone know any good hairstyle websites?? I’m getting my haircut on Saturday and I’m looking for something different.  I can’t seem to find any good sites with ideas??  If you know of any please share!!

Anyway, thats my week in a nutshell…nothing too exciting.  But it’s going way to fast!! I so want it to slow down!!

February 12, 2008

Ok so you can fill in the spaces for the title!! Cuz I’ve got nothing for it!  

So you like the new look?  I decided to try something a little different.  The print is a little small..but oh well…put your glasses on to read it if you have to! haha jk! 

Anyway..I’ve got nothing new tonight.   Work is still work…eeek!  Still stressful!  If I could fire a certain someone on the spot I think things would be better…but seeing how I can’t ..I gotta put up with their fat lazy arse!  Really, the truth be told…I’m to the point, where to even look at this person makes me ill.  The fact the this person, works harder at NOT doing their job, than doing it…pisses me off to no end!  When I confront, and hold them accountable..and they have the NERVE to try to defend themselves, or start to debate with me…really your 56 years old…GET OVER YOURSELF!!  And you wonder why you can’t stay at a job very long!  Hmm I think I may know why……..so yeah it’s a bit stressful! 

SO I’ve been coming right home from work and jumping on the treadmill.  I’m hoping that by doing that it will help me feel better.   So far..hmm doesn’t seem to be..but I’m still going to do it.  At least for those 45 minutes I don’t think of anything.

Ok thats all for the night …nothing too fun and exciting here….have a good day everyone 🙂

WHY?

February 10, 2008

Ok so lately I’ve been feeling kinda “blah”.  Blah as in I don’t feel like doing anything, going anywhere or better yet being around anyone.  I’m tired more so than normal, I’m in bed by 10 at the latest every night, I’ve been getting up at the butt crack of dawn, although last week it wasn’t 4am..thank god, and as far as sleep goes..when I do sleep, it certainly isn’t a sound sleep, I wake up 500 times a night and toss and turn majority of the night.  

This weekend is a prime example of my blahness (is this even a word?) feeling.  Back in my hometown, they have this winter celebration every year.  I have yet to miss one.  I go home for it every year.  For some reason this year I was so not excited to go and wasn’t planning on it.  I decided last minute (as in Saturday morning) to go.  Was on the road by 7am.  Made it to my parents house and visited for a little bit.  Then went into town to my friends house.  Went to the parade that was held then hung out for a bit.  Towards the end of our visit..I started feeling extremely shaky and not like myself.  Like shaky to the point of my hands were shaking, and my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest.  I was also extremely restless, couldn’t sit still, and just felt “weird”  I can’t really explain it.  Again the thought of being around people..wasn’t going over well.  My parents were have a bunch of friends over..which is tradition as they have a party every year and normally I look forward to it and have fun.  The thought of going to their house to be surrounded by all these people just made me squirm and feel even more “weird”.   I decided at that point I was going to drive back home to my house.  I couldn’t be around anyone.  I just wanted to be by myself.   I wasn’t feeling happy, and certainly was in no mood to “party”.   So without saying goodbye(which is so not like me to be rude) to the million of guests at my parents house (of which I knew all of them) I said goodbye to my parents and got in my car and drove off.  I was home by 9pm.  I don’t know if it was a panic attack, or what the hell hit me so suddenly but really I never want to feel like that ever again. 

But what is kinda concerning me a little, is my mood.  It isn’t the up beat mood I’m normally in.  I’m usually a happy go lucky person.  Yes I tend to take life a little to serious at times but overall I’m a pretty happy person.  Lately (as in the past week or so) I’m not.  I “pretend” I am but I’m not.  At any given point, I feel like I could just break into tears, or scream.  It goes from one extreme to the other and nothing happens to trigger it, I just feel one way or the other.   If I could sit in my office all day long and just sit at my computer and just do my work and not have to interact with anyone, it wouldn’t bother me one bit. 

NOw for all those that know me, please don’t go alerting the media…I’m fine and will be fine.  Just for some reason I’m in a funk right now.  I don’t feel like talking about it, but I just had to get it out.  Saturday night just kinda freaked me out with how I was feeling but it passed a while after I got in the car and drove away.  Hopefully this “funk” won’t stay around for long….I’m chalking it up to it being that lovely time of the month…let’s hope!