Sorry this is kinda long……….so be warned….I’m putting myself WAY out there (more than ever) with this…so please be gentle…
So one of my friends calls me last night. We started talking about how we first met. We worked at the same place. It was a tutoring center. At first we didn’t really talk, just hi, how are you? That’s about it. She told me when she first met me she said she thought I was mean and standoffish. I was like really? She said that I was someone who was and IS very hard to “read”. She said I was an extremely guarded person. At first, this kind of shocked me. I have never thought of myself as guarded. But the more I thought about it…I am. I am EXTREMELY guarded. I am also extremely SHY when I don’t know people. My brain literally shuts off, and I can’t think of a damn thing to say to anyone. It’s weird. I am extremely uncomfortable in situations where I do not know at least 1 other person in a room. I would rather sit in a corner by myself than to make myself miserable having to make small talk. It’s funny, but neither one of us could remember just how we started hanging out together.
She then said, “you know I’m so glad that we have become such good friends.” Continues to go on saying, “you are so put together, your life is so together it’s amazing.” I literally just laughed. Then? I felt like crying..because as you all know..lately I so don’t feel like my life is anything close to being together. She then says, “the way you portray yourself, your house ..it is so organized and spotless, you are a truly good person.” I responded by saying, hmm yeah appearances aren’t everything. I may appear “put together” but I’m far from it. I am falling apart.
We talk about this for a while then somehow we got on the topic of Love. What it means to love, what it feels like to love, basically everything about it. Then? She says, you know I don’t say things I don’t mean right? I never just say shit just to say it. THen she proceeds to go on to tell me, on how she was talking to her bf about me. Saying that I was such a good person, and how I when I find my “someone” they will be one lucky person. Again, I laughed. She yelled at me, like really yelled. Said she didn’t understand why I was laughing at that. Really, I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because I feel like it will never happen. Maybe I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. Maybe just maybe I feel like I’m destined to be alone forever. Just maybe?
There was a lot more said on her part. I? just sat and listened. For once really I was speechless. For her to come out and tell me how she views me, means a lot. Then she said something that really got me thinking. She told me, I just needed to let go of my hang-ups. Most importantly, my fear of loving again and being crushed. I never want to experience that again. As most of you know, it’s not a great feeling. But then she used the quote, “it’s better to have loved, than to never have loved at all.” I forgot who said it. But she’s right. Some other hang-ups I have, the feeling I’m not worthy of anyone’s love. I honestly don’t know where this stems from. Both my parents love me and I know that. I have never really, until the past couple of years, felt comfortable telling anyone, “I Love You” especially to my parents. It was something that was just not said too often in our home growing up, at least that I can remember. Now that has changed. Now? Every time I hang up the phone with them, I tell them I love them and they the same, because really, you just never know. To this day, I still feel awkward and at times uncomfortable saying it. Part of me feels like, I don’t know how to accept other peoples love. Does that sound weird? At times, I find myself being so independent that when someone wants to help, I take offense to it. I feel like they look at me like I am incapable of doing things myself. This I believe was one of my biggest downfall in my most recent relationship. I just can’t accept the fact that people want to do things for me because they care for me. I am not one to ask for help from anyone, only in extreme, extreme situations. I would rather suffer silently, than feel like I’m “putting” “someone out”. I’m guessing this stems from me being on my own for so long. I do not know how to accept other peoples help and I do not know how to change that. How does one go about that? How does one just let go of that feeling? As I’m typing this, it just occurred to me is it because I feel like I’m not in control of the situation? I don’t think of myself as a controlling person, but I do like things done the way I like it. I’m open to suggestions, but usually if I have my mind made up, that’s it. You can talk until your blue in the face, yes I will listen, but it will not change what I want.
Other hang-ups? Just being happy with who I am. Because really? Right now I’m not. I want to be, but I don’t know how. I know deep down, I am a good person, but I feel like people don’t necessarily care. I know I am caring, trustworthy, honest, and a true friend. I feel people just look at “the cover of the book” rather than opening it up and looking at what’s “written”. I know this isn’t always the case with every human being but my honest opinion supersedes that knowledge. I don’t feel I’m pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, etc.; I have many, many exterior flaws. Ones, if I could make a wish, I’d change in a heartbeat. When I was out in public with my ex bf, I remember thinking, would people think I was pretty enough to be with him? I don’t know why I care, at that point I was happy, and that should have been all that mattered, but for some reason it wasn’t. I’m usually not one to really deep down care what people think. But this thought? Was always in the back of my mind. So how do I get past all this?? How do I just “let go” of all my “hang-ups”?? How do you do that? These have been with me my entire life. How after 31 years do you just say “screw it” I am what I am? And accept that? HOW? How do I change my thoughts of not feeling good enough to deserve to be loved? How do I let my guard down? Because really? My friend is right, I need to learn how to do this? I need to for myself, for my happiness. HOW? I’m at a loss.
She told me of a metaphor she once heard. It was about the Vikings. When a Viking died, the members of the clan, would put the dead body on a boat, set it on fire in the middle of the ocean and watch it sail away, going up in flames and eventually, sinking. It was at that time, the clan members, let go and accepted the death of that member. Life continued for them. They did not dwell on the death, but instead the life. And they moved on. That was that. How do I do this?
PS: ON a lighter note: HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW LOOK??? I WILL BE CHANGING THE NAME OF MY BLOG..it will become, COMIN’ AT YA! I would like to give a shout out to NAP WARDEN. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I love my new header!!!! AWESOME JOB!!! I love it!
